Sunday, June 15, 2008

Not Blogging

Several things have kept me from blogging (seems that others have been a bit light on their entries as well… hehehe).
1. Life has been busy and while your trying to keep up with everything it’s hard to find time to post updates.
2. Been feeling a bit discouraged about the list for a few reasons:
A) While I tried to give myself some latitude for these projects in order to keep them manageable… I feel guilty for not giving the effort that was intended. For example; number one, I fully intended to do a full daily practice of my own and the ten minutes that was stipulated was meant to keep me going at it daily even if I was exhausted or ill. Or in case there was such time constraints that I really couldn’t manage more. But more often then not, ten minutes has been the only effort made. For number seventy-five, the intention was to dedicate time to each of the girls… real one-on-one time where they have my full attention. We could have fun together and talk so that they could feel heard and know that they are a huge priority. This should really be a daily thing… but I only put weekly because I pictured us taking walks together, going out for ice cream or something fun… and that’s not what we’ve been doing. I realized there was a recent week that there was no real time spent with my oldest… and that is sad! Mentioned it while dropping her off to yet another activity and she suggested we catch a movie the next day. I need to make more of an effort at this goal… they grow up too fast not to.
B) Number five has become unreasonable to expect weekly… and I just don’t know how to feel or what to do about it.
C) Comments were made to me that seem to suggest that others think there are items that I could not or would not expect to do myself. That really stings! I deliberately did not include things that I didn’t fully intend on putting forth effort to accomplish… Yes, I CAN paint a fucking shelf!

Sharing the list publicly is a way of being accountable for it, right? It’s a way to get support and encouragement… network ideas, share your passion… share a hope for a better future… perhaps inspire others. Am I wrong here? Here is the final bit of discouragement:
D) Seems that the list has become a topic of conversations that have concluded with the general consensus that I’m self-absorbed and my list proves it. Well, I’m baffled and hurt. How do you make a list like this that is not pretty much all about you? There are things on there that are for "the greater good"… but really, it’s 101 things that I care about either way.